Your doubt is your past

I have a lot of self-doubt. Some call it self-sabotage. Should I do this? Should I invest in this crazy idea? Should I move to the other side of the country? There’s a small voice inside my head that tells me I’m wrong. You’re doing this wrong. You’re going to fuck yourself again like you did the last time, when you moved.

But the fact is, if you don’t make that mistake, you won’t succeed. It’s true. Look at all the mistakes famous people have made. They make terrible, horrible, MONSTROUS mistakes. Ross Perot lost a billion bucks on the stock market in 1969. But he became hugely rich later on (not endorsing him, just stating a fact). The film industry is full of people who took chances. Jon Hamm moved across the country to Los Angeles and struggled for YEARS before he made it on Mad Men. A man called William Shatner starred in some lame TV show called Star Trek in the sixties. And while George Lucas was making an inane, dumb scifi movie called Star Wars in 1977, even his actors laughed at him. There’s a good chance these well-known folks doubted themselves. But it didn’t stop them from doing what they wanted to do.

So you’ll have a lot of self-doubt. What is this huge fucking hole and where did it come from? It comes from a lot of places. One, from the people you hang out with. They seem great, and they sure know how to make the right decision to keep that job they have, day after fucking day. Keep your fucking nose to the fucking grindstone, year after year, and keep paying your bills, and just watch as your life just passes on by. Then one day you’re old and you cannot keep warm anymore, and your spouse or whoever passes on, and you’re left alone, and you think: damn. I shouldn’t have listened to that chick. I should’ve just taken a fucking risk with my money, and moved across the country like I wanted to, or bought that R8 or that stupid boat. Sure I don’t know what would have happened, but at least I would’ve believed in my own self and done what I wanted to do.

You see, staying put probably works out great for your friends. But it’s poison to you. Also, remember what crabs do to each other in a barrel.

Everyone’s life is different. It may LOOK the same from the outside. BUT IT ISN’T. That’s the weird part of life. It looks like everyone’s doing the same fucking thing. We’re all working, driving to our jobs in the morning, and kissing up to the boss so we can keep our poisonous jobs. BUT WE’RE NOT. Each of you is doing something completely different from the next person. You’re all sitting in cubicles right now reading this while you work, but you’re all doing something completely, COMPLETELY different.

So don’t do what your well-meaning (or, not so well-meaning) pals tell you to do. Do what you want to do. Invest in that start-up. Or, even better, invest in yourself. Go for it! At least that way you’d’ve spent your time doing something YOU wanted to do.

Back to those self-doubting thoughts that plague you: sometimes they come from your past. For me, they’re the voice of my parents. My parents love me. I’m pretty sure of this. Even though I may have reminded them of people they hated, I’m sure they love me. They saw me as weak, someone to be protected from the world. They taught me that I hadn’t a clue about the real world, and back then, they were probably right. After all, I was a skinny little girl with glasses who everyone thought was ugly and perhaps even retarded (I hardly spoke). I had to be protected. So, I was never trusted to do the right thing. I carried that doubt with me, and learned to trust it over my own instincts. I kept doubting every opinion that came from the real me. Now I’ve finally realized that my self-doubt is just my parents telling me I am wrong. It’s my past. Well, the past is over. I make the rules now.

Make up your own rules.

Of course, you have to make sure your rules don’t harm other people or yourself in some horrible way. You have to use common sense. And, things may go horribly wrong when you make your own decisions. But then again, things could go horribly wrong when you do what the world tells you to do.

So go where you want. Speak to whom you want to speak to. Do your own thing. It’s the most sacred thing you can do. It’s the only thing to do. Your spirit, your life is a precious thing. Don’t waste it by following other people’s rules. Make up your own rules. In fact, try it right now.

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