WHAT TO SKIP THIS WEEKEND 10/11/2015

JOBS

Skip. Unless you’re an Apple worshiper and think Steve Jobs was a god. Sure it’s Michael Fassbender–who’s really, really amazing in his portrayal of Jobs (despite the fact that he looks nothing like him)–but come on. If you want to learn about Jobs, there’s Wikipedia, where the glorification is kept to a minimum, if not at zero per cent.

PAN

Skip. Sorry, Wolverine. I had a feeling this one was a dud way back when it was announced, about a year ago, or so. It’s a Peter Pan origin story. Are they trying to make him into a superhero? Anyhow, he’s sold off by heartless nuns to pirates who, from the music, are into grunge and punk. Nuns can be pretty heartless—I know, I went to school at a convent. But still, selling off their charges to pirates? That’s a bit much. Hugh Jackman plays the pirate leader, who from the looks of it is a meth addict. Rooney Mara plays Tiger Lily, and we’re supposed to imagine that she’s part Native American Indian. Lame. They could’ve simply cast a Native American Indian actress. Whatever.

And that’s about it. I watched AGE OF ULTRON again on Netflix, thinking maybe I missed something. Nope. It still sucks. Too many dumb fucking fights with too many characters, climaxes that don’t feel like climaxes because there’s little or no set-up, stupid little side-stories that are utterly irrelevant or are dropped… just a bunch of dumb shit like that. WINTER SOLDIER was awesome, but this follow-up is utter shit. If Ultron had control of the internet why didn’t he simply fuck with the banks or do something like that? Instead they have some stupid, needlessly complicated, utterly contrived plot device – a huge fucking bomb under a city. Seriously? And Black Widow and Banner—good God. Whose stupid idea was that?? It would’ve been better if she went after… well, ANY  of the others. And then Hawkeye suddenly sprouts a family. Jeez. That was totally useless too. So he’s got a family. So what? None of them seem to be in any sort of danger anyway, because we all KNOW the robot army will be destroyed, one way or the other, and all the characters will be totally alive and healthy at the end. So why even bother with the family? GodDAMN. Now I’ll admit—Stark’s stupid idea of creating Ultron and it backfiring is a BRILLIANT story line. But then they ended up shitting all over it, because it goes nowhere. He learns absolutely fucking nothing from it. Worse, he creates ANOTHER robot and that one works perfectly and fixes the entire situation, so that he can remain the pompous ass he’s always been. The only highlight for me was Spader, whose delivery and tone were hilarious. He did the best he could with what he had.

And to those of you who think Kristin Stewart cannot act—go fuck yourselves. I saw her in SILS MARIA and she’s amazing in that claustrophobic story with Binoche. There’s a couple of places where her acting is kinda weak but it’s just for a few seconds. So go suck an egg. TWILIGHT was some twat-ridden, douchy nightmare of a story, so try not to judge the woman by that.

Okay, I’m done ranting for now. See you next time.

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